Missing Her

It feels like all the veins and arteries in my body have become these strands of energy reaching out to Jess.  I want to be with her RIGHT NOW.  Just to sit and talk to her.  I know now that I will be closer to being healed when I know I’m doing this for me and not for her.  I need to get to a point where I stop thinking about her every day.  I fantasize about her constantly.  All beautiful women remind me of her.  But I don’t just fantasize about the sexual aspects; I daydream of her laughter, the way her face wrinkles when she smiles, making her breakfast, the thrill I feel seeing her for the first time on a particular day, eating a meal with her, debating the nature of reality, and on and on.

I know time is supposed to heal all wounds and I certainly must have gotten over other women in my life, but only time will tell if this terrible ache is justified.

Run Rabbit Run

After discovering a chatroom online for people with DID, I was inspired to go out and buy my own copy of “When Rabbit Howls.”  I started reading it and realized that I had already read some of it before.  I skipped ahead a bit and started reading again.   I read a whole chapter and then realized I already knew what happened in the next chapter.  So I skipped ahead again.  I guess I’m a little over halfway through.  Maybe after I’m done I’ll go back and re-read it just to be sure I actually read it all.

Forward

– by Matthew

We are in motion towards the shaft of light breaking through the clouds.  It isn’t the destination that’s important, but the fact that we are journeying together.  This landscape is malleable and shifts on strange winds.  As we walk through the tall grass, our home moves along with us, tethered to my footsteps.

Taran is silent, but eager.  I see his eyes light up as we clear the top of each hill, anxious to see what lies ahead.  The younger one rides the Guardian of the Heart and his joy is infectious.  The other, less solid members of our company flicker about us like lights in a mist.  Below the roots of earth, I sense the dark cavern being dragged along behind us, the tripartite being refusing to acknowledge that any journey is taking place.

That is all I wish to say at this time, thank you.

Dimensional Warp Generator Needed

In my spam folder:

Greetings,

We need a vendor who can offer immediate supply.
I’m offering $5,000 US dollars just for referring a vender which is
(Actually RELIABLE in providing the below equipment) Contact details
of vendor required, including name and phone #. If they turn out to be
reliable in supplying the below equipment I’ll immediately pay you
$5,000. We prefer to work with vendor in the Boston/New York area.

1. The mind warper generation 4 Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a
series wrist watch with z80 or better memory adapter. If in stock the
AMD Dimensional Warp Generator module containing the GRC79 induction
motor, two I80200 warp stabilizers, 256GB of SRAM, and two Analog
Devices isolinear modules, This unit also has a menu driven GUI
accessible on the front panel XID display. All in 1 units would be
great if reliable models are available

2. The special 23200 or Acme 5X24 series time transducing capacitor
with built in temporal displacement. Needed with complete
jumper/auxiliary system

3. A reliable crystal Ionizor with unlimited memory backup.

4. I will also pay for Schematics, layouts, and designs directly from the manufature which can be used to build this equipment from readily available parts.
If your vendor turns out to be reliable, I owe you $5,000.

Email his details to me at:

Please do not reply directly back to this email as it will
only be bounced back to you.

This is a Story No One Else Has Read

It transpires like this: My wife, Cathy, whom I have been married to for x number of years (x = heart memory, buried memory, misty and unaccounted for. The lost time blows over the plain of my inner world, leaving shadows like gaping mouths rolling ever closer.) decides that enough’s enough. She quit her job, she quit church and when that didn’t make her life better, she quit me. Continue reading →

Tetelestai

Surveying 31 days of scars
An infirmary for words
Just shoot them as they sleep
I cannot bear their needy countenances
for another day
I gilded my tongue with water from the black flask
Now everything I say is the absolute truth
Even my dream self points a finger
Muttering sideways to its brothers
At how changed I am
The stain of words prints my bedsheets
with a map of meanings
I am too weary to decipher
I must break all my fingers
Before they scoop out my eyes
So tired of seeing everything
in the light of my own heart

Emergency Condom Hidden in Wallet Haiku

bought new snow shovel

i look out window each day

not a flake in sight

42

“We’re all out there, somewhere, waiting to happen.”  – Jeff Noon, Vurt

Today a friend of mine suggested that I examine the symbols in my Waking Life, as they can be more profound than the ones I encounter in dreams.  It didn’t occur to me to do so until just now, on the crest of some desperate epiphany. Continue reading →

Sisters of the Storm

I have met the love of my life, the girl of my dreams, and my soulmate.
They are three different women.
My love burned out my eyes as I watched her fall
I wandered, hands outstretched, in search of her in the country of jagged glass
Our greetings no longer Amiable, our stares strange,
I still remember the sweet blood on my cut hands, some of it was mine.

Another I met in an afternoon vision, folded note slipped sideways past my ribs,
Warning me of a red fire boiling in from the east.
My men barely had time to lash me to the mast
The last knot snug just as the golden voice rained aching over my heart.
I remained ever an island to her, she a sunset strangely settling in the east again.
A span of time and circumstances cut between us and I fear I cannot Bridge it.

My soulmate stirred beside me in sleep when our names were the alternating beats on a drumskin stretched between the teeth of gods hunkered in secret parley until one sneezed and one laughed and the skin snapped, a canvas whipping in the wind, paint crying over the map of all the child-smudged continents from where they would send for our varied parts only to scatter them over and over from the cliffs of the moon down to clay-slick river valleys where red monkeys sift the water for the syllables of the incantation that will make us whole.
Her voice is the sea foam call Beckoning Again from the cave where fire children raise pinky fingers to write messages in mercury. For her I will always answer, will always fly and fall, shudder and be still.

The three will never weave me a skein of promises, a blanket under which I can sleep untroubled
The three will never confer and trade secrets
The three will never compare their familiar bruises
But when they cry out from each horizon they are a chorus and their song finds a common center
They are the Sisters of the Storm and my oceans boil when they draw near.

Gumdrops

About two years ago I lost the ability to fly. Not like Superman, nothing so impressive. Just a loose kind of upright hovering, as though my heart were suspended from a cloud passing high overhead. The onsets came unannounced: Electricity warmed my spine and I simply inhaled, drifting upward, dangling until I could push off a nearby wall or streetlight.

It unnerved passersby. Spontaneously flying people were unsafe or at least untrustworthy. Continue reading →